beginnings and ends

“What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.” T.S. Elliot

Beginnings tend to be fun, in my mind — like the beginning of my relationship with Jared. But now, the end of that relationship has come, and I find myself confused as to how to feel about this new beginning.

Jared and I broke up last night. And it was sad, but I think it was also the right thing to do. This movement was my initiation, because though friends had apparently told him to break up with me on variou occasions in the past, he had chosen not to — and it wasn’t until I started that conversation that the change was initiated. And I know that Jared does not agree. But…I still think it was the right move.

In short, we would make spectacular friends, but I don’t think I’d be happy i I stayed with him in a romantic relationship. We have trouble maintaining conversations. His lack of self-motivation annoys me. My tendancy to come off as a know-it-all annoys him. Et cetera. There are a thousand reasons, and if you really care and you ask me, I’ll probably tell you at least a few of them.

I was far from perfect, and the same is true of him, but I don’t think either of us is inherently at fault. But I do think that if we stayed together to try to make it work, the ending of that future relationship would be much uglier than the ending that we shared last night.

Last night, I felt sure of myself — and I still do. Jared seemed…sad. And resigned. But honestly, he didnt fight tooth and nail for a different ending. I believe, in the long run, we will both lead happier lives…and we will remain friends.

Jared has promised not to stop dancing, and he’s promised not to stop rafting (though, I don’t know how much longer he will use me as his rafting connection, even if it will always be available for him).

As such, I am now trying to figure out how to approach this in the dancing community. Relationships like this end all the time in the dancing community, so I don’t expect it to be anything out of the norm. However, we did intentionally hide the break up on facebook by deleting the notification simultaneously to avoid the absurd posts and false concern that is often shown from people whom you barely know (or boys who are only showing concern so they canget in your pants later).

And tonight, as I prepare to go to Hotjam…well, I just don’t know what to say. I think I’ll tell a few people right off the bat — Lisa, Holly, Michelle, Lindsay…I’ve already told Heather…and, well, this is my way of telling the few people I think (or know) read this…(you know who you are). But there are a lot of people who I won’t tell right off the bat. And honestly, I’m just hoping the gossip gets to most of them before they ask, “hey, how’s Jared doing?” Well, not so hot.

Anyways, here’s to beginnings and ends, however confusing / sad/ new / right they might be.

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