an open letter to the guy who busted up my car

Dear Asshole,

Thank you for breaking the window in my car. I had always thought it was ugly, but now I have an excuse to get it replaced. It will only cost about $300 — not so bad?

Thank you for stealing my backpack. I really didn’t want to do my homework. Even better, I now have the time to call insurance and SafeLight Auto Repair to get the window fixed!

However, I’m sorry I only had textbooks and pencils in my car — I really should have left you my computer, my nook, or my smartphone. Why didn’t you take the $100 sunglasses or the $70 air mattress? I should have left you enough of my things to sell that you would have made the same amount of money that I will spend to fix the window — that would have at least been worthwhile expenditure of your time, right?

Thank you for making me feel insecure. I mean, we all need a reality check, right?

Thank you for making me call the police to file a report. I’ve never had to do that before — it’s a whole new experience! Now I’ll know what to do in the future.

Thank you for also making me call insurance and learn how to tape up my window. Now I’ll always know how to do that, too.

Thank you for making a cute guy run around his neighborhood and knock on doors and scare the shit out of some locals just to defend his property…and maybe just to make me feel a little better. Thank you, again, because he helped me clean my car, tape the window, and make me feel a little more okay.

In conclusion, you should know that my car window will hopefully be fixed tomorrow by Safelight Auto Repair. If you’d like to bust it open again, you’ll have to come into the garage this time, and all you’ll find is the receipt for my window — as much fun as this has been, I’ve decided to keep my things inside and my car out of sight at night.

With all my love, respect, and appreciation,

You suck.




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